I posted a work-in-progress for this piece and received some valuable feedback from people I showed it to. With fresh eyes, they confirmed my sneaking suspicions that it was a stinker! The piece started out as a character design and merged into and "almost illustration". It was stuck in purgatory between the two, and had none of the good qualities of either. Starting again was the best idea.
Now I'm shooting more for an illustration, and I'm trying to regain some of the menace that my previous piece was missing. This is only a sketch, so I still have a long way to go before this would be considered done. I may try some other comps to get a different camera angle.